Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,
Laocoon
******************************
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.  DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it  by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon
*************************************
FROM: hector@studmuffin.com   mailto:hector@studmuffin.com
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu   mailto:laocoon@doomgloom.edu
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,

I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" business. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,
Hector

    Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"
    Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"
    Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me."
    Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,you're drunk!"

    This guy's wife asks, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
    "Well," says the guy, "we all need companionship, so I suppose someday I would."
    "Hmm," says the wife. "Well, would she live in this house?"
    "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it," says the guy, "so I guess she would."
    "Would she sleep in our bed?"
    "Well, it seems a shame to waste a perfectly good bed," says the guy, "so I guess she would."
    "Would she use my golf clubs?"
    "Of course not," says the guy. "She's a lefty."

    "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman brags, "and this morning she couldn't stop telling me how much she adored me."
    "Last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian replies, "and today she said she could never love another man."
    The American remains silent, and the Frenchman smugly asks, "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
    "Once," says the American.
    "Only once?" the Italian snorts arrogantly. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
    "Don't stop."

    A wife finds her husband standing over their newborn's crib. As he watches the sleeping infant, she sees on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment. Eyes glistening, she slips her arms around him.
    "A penny for your thoughts,"she whispers.
    "It's amazing," he replies. "How can anybody make a crib like that for only $46.50?"

    A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"
    Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How'd you guess?"
    She replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."

    "I'm sorry, Bill," says the doctor, "but you don't have more than six weeks to live."
    Bill is dismayed. "But, Doctor," he cries, "I haven't felt better in years. That just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
    After a moment, the doctor says, "Tell you what you do: Find a health spa and start taking mud baths every single day."
    Excitedly Bill agrees, asking, "Will that cure me?"
    "No," replies the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

    A couple of young boys are fishing at their favorite spot when the game warden jumps out of the bushes. One boy throws down his rod and takes off through the woods with the warden hot on his heels. After running a half-mile, the boy stops to catch his breath, and the game warden snags him.
    "Let me see a license, boy!" the game warden gasps.
    The boy pulls out his wallet and shows the warden his fishing license.
    "Well, son," says the warden, "you must be dumber than a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me, you have a valid license!"
    "Well, I do," says the boy, "but the guy back there didn't."

    A fire starts inside a chemical plant, and the alarm goes out to fire departments for miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for more than an hour, the company president approaches the fire chief and says, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine crew that brings them out!"
    Several crews try, but none can get through. Suddenly a hook and ladder filled with a volunteer squad of men over 65 comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firefighters watch, unbelieving, as the old-timers hop off their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
    The company president beams as he walks over to reward the volunteers. "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" he asks after he writes them out a check. The old guy who drove the engine looks him in the eye and answers, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the goddamn brakes on that truck."

    A couple take their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
    "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replies.
    "No, Mom. Down underneath."
    The mother blushes and says, "Oh, that. That's nothing."
    The boy's father returns, and his mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.
    "That's the elephant's trunk, son," his father answers.
    "Dad, I know what a trunk is. What's the thing down there?"
    His father looks and says, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis."
    "Dad," the boy says, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
    His father takes a deep breath and explains, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

    Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him, "Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
    "What did it say on the banners?" Clinton asks.
    Saddam replies, "allah is god, god is allah."
    Clinton says, "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
    "What could you see on the banners?" Saddam asks.
    Clinton replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

    The new nun goes to confession and says she has a terrible secret. The priest urges her to reveal it, saying he would never violate the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I don't wear panties under my habit."
    The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister. Just say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels."

    A young man on a blind date takes a girl to an amusement park. They go for a ride on the Ferris wheel, but the girl seems kind of bored.
    "What would you like to do next?" the young man asks.
    "I wanna get weighed," she answers.
    So the young man takes her over to the guy who guesses weight. "One-twelve," says the man, and the scale confirms it.
    Next they ride the roller coaster. After that the young man buys the girl some popcorn and cotton candy and asks what else she would like to do. "I wanna get weighed," she answers.
    I really struck out tonight, thinks the young man, and, claiming he has a headache, he takes the girl home.
    The girl's mother is surprised to see her home so early and asks, "What's wrong, dear? How was your date?"
    "Wousy," says the girl.

    A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
    "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
    "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
    "Ten," the doctor says sadly.
    "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
    "Nine!"

    "Here's your problem," says the doctor to the first-time father. "This baby's in serious need of a diaper change."
    Looking baffled, the man replies, "But the package says it's good for eight to 10 pounds!"

    After the grade-school class comes back inside, the teacher asks Alice, "What did you do at recess?"
    Alice says, "I played in the sandbox."
    "That's nice," the teacher says. "If you can go to the blackboard and write sand correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." Alice does, and she gets a cookie.
    Then the teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played in the sandbox with Alice."
    The teacher says, "Good. If you can write box on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh- baked cookie."
    Billy writes the word, and he gets a cookie. The teacher then asks Mustafa Abdul what he did at recess.
    "I tried to play with Alice and Billy," Mustafa answers, "but they threw rocks at me."
    "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! the teacher says. "If you can go to the blackboard and write blatant racial discrimination, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

A man and a woman meet on vacation and quickly fall in love. At the trip's end, they decide to open up to each other.
    "It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill says. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep, and breathe golf."
    "Well, I'll be honest, too," Jody says. "I'm a hooker."
    The man looks crestfallen for a moment, then says, "Are you keeping your wrists straight?"

    A man goes to the doctor and complains that no medicine helps with his migraines. "When I have a migraine," says the doctor, "I go home and soak in a hot bath. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. Then I take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, we have sex. Almost immediately, the headache is gone. Try it and come back in six weeks."
    Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "It worked!" he exclaims. "I've had migraines for years, and no one's ever helped me before!"
    "Glad to help," says the doctor.
    "By the way," the patient adds, "you have a really nice house."

    Walking past the big wooden fence around the insane asylum, a guy hears everyone inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and looks inside. All of a sudden a finger shoots through the hole and pokes out his eye, and the inmates start wildly chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

    A guy tries to impress his date with his knowledge of wine. He tells the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros district. After tasting it, the young man berates the steward. "This is a 1992 vintage from the Diamond Creek vineyard in the Mayacamas range. Please bring me what I ordered."
    Watching from the bar, an old drunk comes up to the table with a glass in his hand and says, "Can you tell me what this is?" Winking at his date, the young man sips from the drunk's glass.
    "Christ, this tastes like piss!" he exclaims, spitting it out.
    "Yeah," says the drunk, 'but what year?"

    A woman's car breaks down near a farmhouse. She goes up to the house and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "My car has broken down, and it's Sunday night. Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?"
    "I reckon," drawls the farmer, "but I don't want you messin' with my sons, Jed and Luke."
    After everyone's gone to bed, the woman quietly goes into the teenagers' room and says, "I'm going to teach you the ways of the world. I don't want to get pregnant, so you'll have to wear condoms." She puts condoms on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
    Sixty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the porch in their rockers. Jed says, "Luke, remember that woman who came by here years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
    "Yeah," says Luke. "I remember."
    "Do you care if she gets pregnant?" Jed asks.
    "Nope," says Luke. "I guess not."
    "Me neither," says Jed. "Let's take these things off."

    Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas state lottery? The winner gets three dollars a year for a million years.

    The New York mafia hires a deaf-mute man to collect its protection money, figuring he can't sing if he gets caught. In his first week the collector picks up more than $50,000. The second week he stashes the money and tries to leave town, but the mafia guys catch him and use an interpreter to grill him.
    "Ask him where the money is," says the don, and the interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
    The collector signs, "I don't know what you're talking about," and the interpreter says, "He don't know what you're talking about."
    The don then pulls out a .38 and puts it in the deaf guy's ear. "Now ask him where the money is." The deaf man signs frantically, "It's in Central Park, in the third tree stump on the left from the West 81st Street entrance."
    The interpreter says, "He says he still don't know what you're talking about, and that you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

    While making love for the first time, Billy notes with pride that his girlfriend's toes are curling with every thrust. Thrust, curl; thrust, curl. I am one serious stud! he thinks. But later, when he's making love to her in the shower, Billy finds he's unable to achieve the same reaction. After brooding for several minutes, he works up the courage to ask his girlfriend why she's not as turned on.
    "Well, I am," she says, "but now I'm not wearing pantyhose."

    A scuba diver 25 feet below the surface sees a guy without any scuba gear on, so he decides to drop down another 25 feet. But when he takes a look around, he sees the same guy! I can't believe it, thinks the scuba diver. He dives down another 25 feet and looks around, and sure enough, there's the guy again. Amazed, the scuba diver pulls out his underwater chalkboard and writes, how can you go so deep without any equipment?
    The guy grabs the board and writes I'm drowning, you idiot!

    A man walks into his bedroom carrying two aspirins and a glass of water. "What's that stuff for?" his wife asks.
    "Your headache," he replies.
    "But I don't have a headache," his wife protests.
    "Gotcha!" says her husband.

    The new employee doesn't show up for work on Monday, his first day, calling in sick instead. He comes in the next day and works the rest of the week. But on the following Monday, he calls in again. "I'm sick," he says. After working the rest of the week, he calls in the next Monday, repeating, "I'm sick."
    "What gives?" asks his exasperated boss. "You planningto call in sick every Monday?"
    "No, sir," the new employee says. "My sister is in a bad marriage, and every Monday morning before work, I go over to console her. One thing leads to another, and we end up making love all day long."
    "With your sister?" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"
    The man replies, "I told you I'm sick."

Chocolate Chip Cookies Recipe:

Ingredients:

1.)   532.35 cm3 gluten
2.)   4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.)   4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.)   236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.)   177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.)   177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.)   4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.)   Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.)   473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.)   236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Directions:

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.  In a second 2-L reactor
vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).  Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium. 

1.  So your daughter's a hooker,
         and it spoiled your day...
           Look at the bright side,
             she's a really good lay.

2.  My tire was thumping....
         I thought it was flat....
             when I looked at the tire....
                 I noticed your cat... Sorry

3.   You had your bladder removed
             and you're on the mends....
                here's a bouquet of flowers
                   and a box of Depends.

4.  You've announced that you're gay,
            won't that be a laugh,
               when they find out you're one
                 of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5.  Heard your wife left you...
           How upset you must be...
              But don't fret about it  ....
                   She moved in with me

6.  Your computer is dead...
            it was once so great
              Don't you regret installing
                  Windows 98

7.  You totaled your car...
          and can't remember why...
             could it have been...
                 that case of Bud Dry?

 TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
 GEORGE:  Here it is!
 TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
 CLASS:   George!

 TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
 WILLY:   Me!

 TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
 TOMMY:   Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
 
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
 TEACHER: What sign?
 WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

 SILVIA:  Dad, can you write in the dark?
 FATHER:  I think so. What do you want me to write?
 SYLVIA:  Your name on this report card.

 TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
 SAMMY:   You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
 
 TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
 JOSE:    Don't bite any.
 
 TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
 ELLEN:   I is...
 TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
 ELLEN:   All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
 
 MOTHER:  Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
 JUNIOR:  You said it was my lunch money.

 TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
 CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

That's when the kindergarten teachers first met Fruit Stand.  Every fall, parents applied name tags to their children, kissed them good-bye and sent them off to school on the bus.  So it was for Fruit Stand. The teachers thought the boy's name was odd, but they tried to make the best of it.

"Would you like to play with the blocks, Fruit Stand?" they offered.  And later, "Fruit Stand, how about a snack?"  He accepted hesitantly.  By the end of the day, his name didn't seem much odder than Heather's or Sun Ray's.

At dismissal time, the teachers led the children out to the buses.  "Fruit Stand, do you know which one is your bus?"  He didn't answer.  That wasn't strange.  He hadn't answered them all day.  Lots of children are shy on the first day of school.  It didn't matter.  The teachers had instructed the parents to write the names of their children's bus stop on the reverse side of their name tags.  The teacher simply turned over the tag. There, neatly printed, was the word "Anthony."

"The Sympathetic Nervous System is associated with all the arousal functions.  Or as we say in Psychology, the 3 F's:  Fleeing, Fighting and Reproduction."

--Steve Yalowitz, Professor of Psych at CSU

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.  One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in YOUR castle together with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy for doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't fucking think so."

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electonic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible aternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are overpaying for the AT&T virus.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS 2: Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just can't figyour out watt.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Print "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. The virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just Does It!

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and send you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my test...no new files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.