God and Satan got together one day, and God says, "Gee, I sent that engineer to the wrong place.  He was supposed to be in heaven."

Satan says, "Well, you're not getting him back."

"I'll sue you!" says God.

Satan laughs.  "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

"I've  heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, Asshole.  What makes  you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?  It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in  my community and from reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ...all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up again, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much.  And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over. ....

Day 11 The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man.
 
Day 12 OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed ...
 
Day 13 I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keepsaying 'Fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Yawning has become extremely dangerous ...
 
Day 14 Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him.
 
Day 15 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to bark like a dog. Help me.
 
Day 16 I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to... stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to fuck himself ... he did. I just put out a contract on him.

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous.
Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies.
Male groupies are stalkers.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
We know The Truth about whether size matters.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

A Kentucky Fried Chicken location in New York had a special on what they were calling the "Bucket of Hillary" (two small breasts, two large thighs and a bunch of left wings).

  (Wait for it)...

 ....... Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responds, "But they are twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
      ..... (keep scrolling).....
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
      .....(wait for it)......
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
      ..... (its a good one!).....
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
      "I'll be Bach."

20) She tries to kill you
19) She tries to castrate you
18) She steals all your money and runs away with another man
17) She divorces you and hires a hitman to finish you off
16) She marries the hitman because she says he has better morals than you
15) She traps you and cooks you for dinner
14) She feeds you roach killer for dinner
13) She puts an electric eel In your underwear
12) She puts Ben Gay in your underwear
11) She puts nair in your underwear
10) She prefers chocolate rather than sex with you
9) She prefers listening to the Spice Girls rather than sex with you
8) She prefers sex with your father rather than sex with you
7) Your father is dead
6) She shoots you 'till your atoms split
5) She prefers Johnny Cash rather than sex with you
4) When you mention sex, she immediatley wants to change the subject
3) She suddenly has you taking out life insurance policies
2) You routinely have to fix the breaks on your car
1) She gives you Value Jet Airline tickets for your birthday

17. The castle and village are made entirely of Legos.
16. Turkey leg bears striking resemblance to Cocker Spaniel leg.
15. Festival activities include "Ye Olde Wet T-Shirt Contest."
14. Eight minute drum solo in the middle of "Greensleeves."
13. "Belly up to the bar, me lad, for some grilled mahi-mahi and fresh California Roll!"
12. Ye Old Glassblower makes nothing but crack pipes.
11. The meade is served in a coconut shell with a Fizzy straw.
10. Everyone seems to have attended the Kevin Costner School of British Accents.
9. Mosh pit follows the wandering minstrels.
8. You get charged 5 bucks to take a leak behind Ye Olde Hedge.
7. Guillotine exhibit closed due to pending litigation.
6. Friar Tuck's pager keeps going off.
5. Featured event: "Johnson-Jousting!"
4. Disgusting Ogre is merely an unshaved Marlon Brando.
3. "Tarry, wench, I prithee!  Wouldst thou Macarena?"
2. Merlin the Magician's only trick is "Got your nose!"
 
and the Number 1 Sign You're at a Bad Renaissance Festival...
 
1. Jousting Crips & Bloods.

What is:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

2+2?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

4+4?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

8+8?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

16+16?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Got it?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Now scroll down.....
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The number you picked was 7, right!  Isn't that weird?  Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge.
 
Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freakyou out. There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them...really. Now, ARROW down.  (but not too fast, you might miss something)
 
 
 
 
 

What is:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

1+5
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

2+4
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

3+3
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

4+2
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

5+1
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds.
 
 
 
 
 

Then scroll down.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then arrow down.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Keep going.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

You're thinking of a carrot right? If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise. Freaky, huh?

Tuesday - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Wednesday - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Thursday - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......
 
Friday - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Saturday - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

1.  Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thine human is on the modem.
2.  Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
3.  Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
4.  Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou art not transparent.
5.  Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
6.  Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thine tush.
7.  Thou shalt not lie down with thine tush in thine human's face.
8.  Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thine human's genital region.
9.  Thou shalt not reset thine human's alarm clock by walking on it.
10. Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with a hinged lid, as thee will fall in & trap thineself.
11. Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thine human is sitting down.
12. Thou shalt not jump onto thine sleeping human's bladder at 4 a.m.
13. Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
14.  Thou shalt not trip thine humans even if they are walking too slow.
15. Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thine house.
16. Thou shalt remember that thou art a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
17. Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
18. Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
 
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
 
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."  A third child brought the argument to a close.

"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

1)   Thank you.  We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2)   The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3)   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4)   Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5)   I have plenty of talent and vision.  I just don't give a damn.
6)   I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7)   What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!?
8)   I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
9)   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10)  Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11)  I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12)  It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
13)  No, my powers can only be used for good.
14)  How about never?  Is never good for you?
15)  I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16)  You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17)  I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18)  I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19)  I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
20)  Who me?  I just wander from room to room.
21)  My toys!  My toys!  I can't do this job without my toys!
22)  It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23)  At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24)  You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25)  I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26)  Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
1. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
11. You! Off my planet!
12. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
13. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
14. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
15. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
16. God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
17. And just how may I screw you over today?
18. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
19. I'm not a cranky person, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
20. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
21. Allow me to introduce my selves.
22. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
23. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
24. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
25. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
26. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
27. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
28. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
29. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
30. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
31. Stress is when you wake up screaming & realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
32. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
33. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
34. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
35. Adults are just kids who owe money.
36. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
37. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
38. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
39. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
40. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
41. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
42. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
43. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
44. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
45. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
56. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
57. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
58. You look like sh*t. Is that the style now?
59. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
60. Is it time for your medication or mine?
61. Does this condom make me look fat?
62. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
63. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
64. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
65. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks; (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.  (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months.  Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.  He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials.  In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company.  Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.  The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry.  He would take care of it.  Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned.  In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.  I love my Office and its location - I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File, I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men - These men who've come to visit today in lovely white coats to take me away!

    At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science.  AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
    Here is the story: On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.  The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency).
    As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly.  Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide because of this.
    Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
    The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by and elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun.  He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and pellets went through the window striking Opus.
    When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded.  The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident.  That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
    The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to thefatal incident.   It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
    The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
    There was an exquisite twist.
    Further investigation revealed that the son, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.
    The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

ON A HAIRDRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions:  Use like regular soap.

FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning: Keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
  *Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
 
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
  *A congressional candidate in Texas
 
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
  *General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam

 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
 [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified

 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /......./......

 4. Serial Number...............................................

 5. Please check where this product was purchased:
 [_] Received as gift / aid package
 [_] Catalog showroom
 [_] Independent arms broker
 [_] Mail order
 [_] Discount store
 [_] Government surplus
 [_] Classified

 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
 [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
 [_] Store display
 [_] Espionage
 [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
 [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
 [_] Was attacked by one

 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
 [_] Style / appearance
 [_] Speed / maneuverability
 [_] Price / value
 [_] Comfort / convenience
 [_] Kickback / bribe
 [_] Recommended by salesperson
 [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
 [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
 [_] Backroom politics
 [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
 [_] North America
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Central / South America
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Aircraft carrier
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Europe
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Africa
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Asia / Far East
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Misc. Third World countries
 [_] Iraq
 [_] Classified
 [_] Iraq

 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
 [_] Color TV
 [_] VCR
 [_] ICBM
 [_] Killer Satellite
 [_] CD Player
 [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
 [_] Space Shuttle
 [_] Home Computer
 [_] Nuclear Weapon

 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply)
 [_] Communist / Socialist
 [_] Terrorist
 [_] Crazed
 [_] Neutral
 [_] Democratic
 [_] Dictatorship
 [_] Corrupt
 [_] Primitive / Tribal

 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
 [_] Deficit spending
 [_] Cash
 [_] Suitcases of cocaine
 [_] Oil revenues
 [_] Personal check
 [_] Credit card
 [_] Ransom money
 [_] Traveler's check

 12. Your occupation:
 [_] Homemaker
 [_] Sales / marketing
 [_] Revolutionary
 [_] Clerical
 [_] Mercenary
 [_] Tyrant
 [_] Middle management
 [_] Eccentric billionaire
 [_] Defense Minister / General
 [_] Retired
 [_] Student

 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
 [_] Golf
 [_] Boating / sailing
 [_] Sabotage
 [_] Running / jogging
 [_] Propaganda / misinformation
 [_] Destabilization / overthrow
 [_] Default on loans
 [_] Gardening
 [_] Crafts
 [_] Black market / smuggling
 [_] Collectibles / collections
 [_] Watching sports on TV
 [_] Wines
 [_] Interrogation / torture
 [_] Household pets
 [_] Crushing rebellions
 [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
 [_] Fashion clothing
 [_] Border disputes
 [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.  As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
 
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION

Background: Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this true story...

April, 1998

Hi Sis,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under your cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My butt crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my butt when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't crap for two days because my butt was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your butt. I hope you have no more bad days at the office. But, if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.

Your Brother,
Brian

    Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.  Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
    One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.  He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
    The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.  A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.  She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.  And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Scientist at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collosions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
 
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on windshields of their new high speed trains.
 
Arrangements were made, a gun was sent to the British engineers.
 
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
 
NASA responded with a one-line memo:
 
"THAW the CHICKEN"

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent  winners:

  Reintarnation:
  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

   Foreploy:
   Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

   Giraffiti:
   Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

   Sarchasm:
   The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

   Inoculatte:
   To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

   Hipatitis:
   Terminal coolness.

   Osteopornosis:
   A degenerate disease.

   Karmageddon:
   It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
 
   Glibido:
   All talk and no action.

   Dopeler effect:
   The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

   Intaxication:
   Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

   Ignoranus:
   A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

     (1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

     (2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

     (3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons.  All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

     (4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other.  How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?

     (5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

     (6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

     (7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle.  The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way.  How did the pear get inside the bottle?

     (8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.

     (9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

     (10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"

     (11) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit.  Taking a base on balls -a walk- is one way. Name the other six.

     (12) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

     (13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning?

     (14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s."

ANSWERS TO QUIZ:

     (1) Boxing.

     (2) Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

     (3) Asparagus and rhubarb.

     (4) Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think, if you do not believe it, try it with your watch, it is only 10 times).

     (5) Baseball.

     (6) Strawberry.

     (7) The pear grew inside the bottle.  The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree.  The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

     (8) Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

     (9) Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

     (10) In Minnesota.  The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.

     (11) Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.

     (12) Lettuce.

     (13) If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn't throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe.

     (14) Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on.