For the unenlightened: This is something of a Perry/Seay joke, but it's still pretty darn funny even if you don't know the stories behind it. If you don't get parts of this, don't worry. If you do get it, worry.
This started out as a series of emails between my younger sister, Bethany, and our Uncle Richard, some time ago. Like some Perry/Seay jokes, it will probably keep going and going and going until someone forgets about it and starts a new joke. My sister and uncle are quite devoted in their antagonism, which is why no one has forgotten about it yet. It's good natured antagonism, to be sure - kind of a mutually assured annoyance. And I, in my wisdom as Princess Queenie, sometime ruler of the land, have decided to stick it on the web so random people can blunder into it and share this -ehem- magic tale of the battle of Good vs Evil. Although, um, both parties are convinced that they are Good and the other one is Evil.
Cast of Characters (click for picture):
Princess Light and Truth - Bethany, my sister, a freshman at CSU
Uncle Snaggletooth - Uncle Richard, who works for the government and had to cut the story short whenever his boss came by
Susie the Sunny - mom
Mervyn the Mighty - dad
William the Wise - Uncle Bill
Phyllis the Firestarter - Aunt Phyllis
Princess Queenie - me
A story, huh? Hmph. Someone all of a sudden gets sick and expects sympathy from his relatives and now he wants a story. Well, I will begin.
Long, long ago, during a time when elders had to respect young people, there lived a family. Now this family was very good, and they liked each other a whole lot. Everyone was a good and kind person. There was only one exception. This was the mean Uncle Snaggletooth. He was mostly cruel to his niece, Princess Light and Truth (stop me if you've heard this one). No one could understand why Snaggletooth was so vicious towards the Princess, for his actions defied all logic. The Princess Light and Truth (as the name represents) was full of goodness and sunshine and happiness. She was also very pre~tty. In fact, she was so pretty that she would go off to become a world famous supermodel, commanding thousands of dollars at the drop of a hat while Snaggletooth wasted away in, oh say, Bedsore Manor. But that's another story....
Anyway, Snaggletooth (or Ol'Snag for short) was quite cruel to Princess Light and Truth. It got so bad that the entire family (in defense of the wonderful Princess) moved away from Ol' Snag and he was left alone, wailing and sobbing into his beer.
"If only I had been nicer to the great Princess - for she truly is full of light and truth," he said. "I know! I'll write her an apology and beg her forgiveness! Maybe then, because her graciousness knows no bounds, she will forgive me."
And so, Ol' Snag did just that. And when Princess Light and Truth received the letter, she was very gracious indeed. She called Snag on the phone and said "I was so surprised to get your apology! Why, it seemed you were so evil you would never relent. Normally, I would forgive you for all that you have done. But, because your actions were too reprehensible, I have no compassion in my heart for you. It was too late, Snaggletooth. You screwed up one too many times."
And with that, the Princess hung up. Snaggletooth was truly left to his own company, with no one to laugh at his jokes. He was very sad. The end.
* You'll note that, while the story ends sadly, there is a moral to this tale. Repent now, and all will be forgiven. But wait until it blows up in your face, and it will be too late. Perhaps more (ahem) Uncles should take this message to heart. Perhaps then, someone would benefit from Ol'Snag's misfortune.
Princess Light and Truth was riding through the capitol city of her kingdom, unfortunately leaving a trail of upset and potentially violent townspeople. Due to her sarcastic and rude behavior and nasty comments to all she encountered, there was quickly forming a ground swell movement to depose and/or dispose of the Princess.
“It is so sad,” many were heard to comment, “She was such a pleasant child. But as soon as she reached her late teens, she's just turned into a real snip.”
“Yes,” others said, “And she comes from such a wonderful family too.”
“Perhaps that is the answer,” said the former mayor who was now doing time and whose jail window looked out onto the square. “Perhaps a family member can straighten her out and let her know the error of her ways.”
Well, who could do that service, they all wondered? Would it be her polite and always politically correct older Uncle. No, they all decided, it wouldn't be him for, lovable as he was, he wasn't one to speak plainly enough to correct her deviant behavior.
“Oh, I know” said one wise townsperson, “How about kindly Uncle Snaggletooth who lives in the Enchanted Forest?”
“Oh yes,” they all agreed, “Known for his plain speaking and all around truthfulness, he is just the one to tell that girl how the cow ate the cabbage!” They devised a plan wherein the Princess’ stead, “Hassler the Wonder Horse” would follow a trail of horsy food straight into the Enchanted Forest where she was sure to meet up with her wise, kindly yet reclusive Uncle Snaggletooth.
Clip, clop, clip, clop was the only sound heard as Princess Light and Truth rode her famous steed, Hassler the Wonder Horse, deeper into the Enchanted Forest.
"What's up with THIS?," the sometimes surly and usually petulant Princess thought to herself. "Who left all these horsey treats along the road for this dumb horse to follow?," she thought to herself as she tried in vain to turn him around. Since she rarely thought to feed him, Hassler was gorging himself in this rare stroke of good fortune.
Clip, clop, clip, clop, munch, munch the sound continued and created more of an echo as the woods became deeper and deeper. All of a sudden, a voice cried out, "HEY! Wanna buy a subscription to Boy's Life Magazine?"
"WHAT THE HEY?!," the Princess inquired. "How dare you address my royal personage in such a manner?" she asked in her most haughty and regal manner.
"Well do ya or dontcha?" the voice asked again, "I don't have all day you know. Well, actually I do have all day but I will probably think of something else to do with it. Sometimes I do. Then again, sometimes I don't and I just sit here and wait. I've been waiting a loonnnng time."
"Oh for heaven's sake, SHUT UP!," the Princess screeched as the wizened old man before her was showing no signs of ceasing his ramblings.
"OK" said the polite old man, "I'll just continue to wait. I'm getting pretty good at it."
As her emaciated horse grazed happily nearby, the Princess began to berate the old man sitting by the tree, "Where am I? Was it you that lured my horse here? What is the meaning of all this? That dumb horse has me completely lost and alone - except for you and you're not much help."
"Well," said the old man, "It appears to me that poor horse would have gone anyway there was food. Looks like he's been eating off of those round hay bales. You know, they're thinking of outlawing them because horses aren't getting a square meal. Hee Hee. That there's what we call a joke. Hee Hee. Get it?" The princess just stared at him.
"You sir, are an idiot. What is you name so that I may banish you from my realm," said the haughty princess to the old man who was still smiling from his little joke.
"Realm? You have a realm? You're such a young girl," he responded.
"I'll have you know that my realm is all I survey, everywhere I place my dainty foot is in it and it extends for as far as I can see, which in this stupid forest isn't very far at the moment."
"Sounds to me like you're over-realmed," the old man said with a chuckle.
"Ok that's it for you. I am going to have you tortured and THEN banished. What is your name, fool?," demanded the princess.
The old man got sort of a blank look on his face.
"You don't know your name, do you?", asked the young girl.
"Well see, I've been alone here in the forest for so long and nobody really has asked that question so I haven't given it much thought. Maybe it will come to me though," said the old man politely. "Don't know how much good banishment is going to do you though," he added, "I can't be much more banished than I already am."
"How did you come to be all alone here?" she inquired.
"Oh, it wasn't always like this. I live in a hut on wheels. I never go anywhere but I guess I could. Anyway, my hut on wheels used to be surrounded by many other huts on wheels filled with all sorts of interesting people doing all sorts of interesting things. But then one day, this guy came around and told everyone they could become famous for at least 15 minutes if they would go on the stage with a man called 'Jerry of Springer' and just talk about their lives and the interesting things they do with and to each other - and he would give them 4 copper coins for their trouble. Well, before you know it, they all hitched up their huts and took off. Except me. The man said they couldn't use me; I don't know why" the old man sighed.
"I can take a guess," said the Princess, yawning.
“So, who are you and how did you come to be so over-realming?” asked the old man.
“I’ll have you know, my befuddled sir, that I am Princess Light and Truth, daughter of Susie the Sunny and Mervyn the Mighty, niece of William the Wise and Phyllis the Fire Starter and sister to Princess Queenie, the reigning monarch,” the young woman answered proudly.
“Your Queen is a butterfly?” asked the old man, chuckling in his now usual “Just told a bad joke and proud of it” manner. Suddenly, a surprised and enlightened look came over his wrinkled old face.
“Got gas?” asked the young woman, backing away.
“NO,” he said, “an Epiphany!” “Is that worse than gas?” asked the worried, uneducated girl. “I remember who I am!,” he replied “I am the brother of William the Wise and Susie the Sunny! Why surely they have told you how our grandmother used to give us treats of bread crusts and made sure we got plenty of sleep by sending us to sleep in the barn as soon as the sun set!”
“Well, actually they did mention something like that but it was how their kindly grandmother gave them sugar candies and let them play with the fireflies as long as they liked and then made them hot chocolate until they were too happily tired to play anymore and then tucked them into their beds.”
“Beds?” wondered the old man aloud, “They had beds?”
As the old man and the young girl chatted, they discovered that indeed he was her beloved Uncle Snaggletooth, “He of the Pestering Ways” and that she was not really the haughty and petulant young woman she seemed to the townspeople, she was just afraid.
“I don't really want to be Queen right now,” she told him, “but Princess Queenie just HATES it in the castle since she discovered all those moths in her closet and keeps threatening to run away and leave me behind to rule. Since Mom and Dad continue to be happy in the Land of the Forever Valentine up in the mountains, they won't come back and rule so I'm going to be stuck with it. I hate the idea so I'm mean to everybody so they'll leave me alone.”
“Hmmmmm,” said the old man sagely, “I may have a way out of this for both of us. I am tired of living in my hut on wheels by myself. There is no one to laugh at my jokes and besides, I am almost out of fermented hops to drink and that gives me a vague sense of foreboding.” So they devised a plan.
They returned to the village and explained their plan to Princess Queenie. She loved it and soon left to join Prince Mark in the Land of the Wide-Mouthed Frogs where she became a world-famous fashion designer and entomologist. Princess Light and Truth changed her name to Seniorita Snicklefritz to hide her royal identify, went away to a Liberal Arts college and got a ring in her nose. She was very happy learning about the world and its people and looking up words like, “Epiphany” in the Boy's and Girl's Dictionary. Hassler the Wonder Horse's name was changed to “Friend” and given plenty to eat whenever he wanted it and was turned out to stud. And the strange old man? “King Snaggletooth the Humormonger” as he was known, was very popular and all the kingdom loved him and his wonderful sense of humor. His “State of the Realm” addresses were so funny and beloved by everyone that they were set to parchment and sold throughout the world, bringing riches into the coffers and honor and fame upon the wonderful old man.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
Sometimes bad behavior is a mask to cover fear.
Sometimes strange old men really have something to say.
Sometimes being in charge isn't all its cracked up to be.
Sometimes hassling is just horsing around.
Add your own here ____________________________.
Everyone lived happily every after until the Princess graduated from college. You won't BELIEVE what happened then. But that's another story...
For a little while, all was peaceful in the land. Old Uncle Snaggletooth ruled fairly and wisely (or so they thought) and the entire clan of Perry/Seay was happy. Princess Light and Truth was thriving at college; her nose ring received many oohs and aahs and only served to enhance her legendary beauty. William the Wise and Phyllis the fire starter were very busy in their cabin in the woods. They were very productive because they were always seeking ways to improve the splendid environment around their happy little home. Consequently, their valley was considered the true Garden of Eden and would go down in the history books as such. Princess Queenie had a great time living in the Land of the Wide-Mouthed Frogs because, as we all know, frogs eat moths. And Merv the Mighty and Susie the Sunny were still holed away in the Land of the Forever Valentine. They hadn't been heard from for awhile.... On the surface, all was pink and rosy. Until one fateful day....
Princess Light and Truth was back visiting her former kingdom. She was received very well and everyone planned a feast upon her arrival. People were so glad to see her; you see, they understood that she may have acted badly in the past - once or twice - but she was still a wonderful person. Her bad behavior was still quite a bit more appealing than most peoples' good behavior, and so she was welcomed back with open arms. The feast of turkey, mashed potatoes and broccoli (prepared by none other than William the Wise, super-chef extraordinare) was mouthwatering and delicious - though the Food Police arrived once or twice to check up on things. Everyone seemed happy. That is, except for Uncle Snaggletooth. He was very moody as he sat in his dark corner gnawing on the last turkey leg.
"Why does everyone ignore me?" He grumbled. "Princess Light and Truth comes back to town and you'd think she was Santa Claus. Though everyone knows that's Mervyn the Mighty... Why she acts like everyone loves her!"
Uncle Snaggletooth surveyed the feast and, indeed, noted everyone did love Princess Light and Truth. What was there not to like? She was kind, generous, funny, gentle, gracious, dazzling, and, above all, humble. Princess Light and Truth's approval poles would probably be through the roof, whereas Ol' Snag's were a little lagging after the public skirmish with Minnesota. He surveyed the joyous scene around him with despair.
"How can I get the peasants to love me? There must be something I can do..." Suddenly the old man's face crinkled up with joy. "I know! This is perfect.... Possibly the best plan in the history of the world!"
TO BE CONTINUED......
(HA! See how you like waiting)
Old Snaggletooth was amazed. He was so proud of his brilliant plan that he snuck off to carry it out. Meanwhile, all the peasants were crowded around Princess Light and Truth, hoping to get a glimpse of her regal charm and beauty. The feast was going quite well, and platters of food were continuously being deposited on the large table. There was a never ending supply of goodies to be had.
A little while later, Ol' Snag walked back into the room looking quite pleased with himself. He elbowed his way into the mob that had gathered around the Princess and held up his hand.
"In honor of the kind Princess' return," (there was a note of sarcasm in his voice as he said this) "I am prepared to tell a few of my stirring and hilarious stories." Uncle Snaggletooth surveyed the crowd with a haughty eye. Unfortunately, this regal display was lost on his audience, as they were trying to recall his past tales.
"Whaddaya mean 'stirring and hilarious' stories?" One young man shouted. "I can't remember any of those coming from you!"
Ol' Snag glared at the outspoken, yet truthful, youth. "You be quiet! Lights, please!"
The banquet hall dimmed in preparation for a snore fest. The only sound was the constant chewing of food. Uncle Snaggletooth began his tale.
TO BE CONTINUED..
(oh, that is SO much fun)
Uncle Snaggletooth waited for the lights to completely dim before beginning his story. Then, in a dramatic voice, he said, "Did you hear about the Indian that drank so much Liptons tea that he drowned in his own teepee?" The audience paused, listening, waiting for the rest of the story. But Uncle Snaggletooth just sat back and watched them.
"Is that all?," the loud young man spoke up again. Snaggletooth nodded, a smug look on his face and a gleam of satisfaction in his eye.
"That's it?," shouted another. "Why that's.....genius!"
A hushed laughter began to rumble from within the crowd. Soon enough people were rolling on the floor, clutching at their sides and gasping for breath. Snaggletooth surveyed the hysterical crowd with a pleased eye. Then he looked at Princess Light and Truth. She was not laughing.
"What's wrong Princess? Didn't you like my joke?" he asked.
The Princess was confused. "No, Uncle. It just isn't funny," she replied in her always polite manner.
"Not funny!" Snaggletooth blustered, "Why it's hilarious - everyone else is laughing. What's wrong with you?" Snaggletooth paused. "Wait a minute, wait a minute, I've got one...... Surely we'll get to Luverne sometime soon."
The audience roared, tears streaming down their dirty faces. But Princess Light and Truth didn't even crack a smile.
"I'm sorry Uncle," she said, "but your jokes aren't funny. In fact, they are so bad that I can't believe ANYONE would laugh at them. Something's wrong here."
In saying that, the wonderful Princess walked over to the table and sniffed the food. "This smells odd." She reached out one dainty finger and dipped it into the mashed potatoes, tasting them. "That's it. I know what's wrong," she announced. She turned to Uncle Snaggletooth and noted that he had begun to fidget under her glare.
"Someone," she paused, looking in Snag's direction, "has put a laughing potion in this food!!!"
The audience sobered quickly, gasping at this revelation. "Why Princess, what are you saying?," one shouted.
"I'm saying that dear old Uncle Snaggletooth has manipulated you into thinking his jokes were funny! You see, my vast education at the Liberal Arts College I am attending has also taught me about potions. These mashed potatoes-" she paused, holding up her finger and pointing at the food - "have been injected with a potion to make you laugh at jokes that ARE JUST NOT FUNNY. I can tell because of the slight iodine taste and light green tinge that they carry. This is characteristic of any run of the mill laughing potion." Princess Light and Truth looked at Snaggletooth, narrowing her eyes. "And, I suspect he has poisoned all the other food as well!"
The crowd turned to Snaggletooth and noted the frantic look that he carried. "Is this true, Snag?" they asked.
Snaggletooth wrung his hands and looked very distressed. "She's right," he admitted quietly. "I did it. I poisoned the second round of food so you would laugh at my jokes."
There was an audible gasp from the crowd.
"I just want you to like me! ANd everyone knows my jokes aren't funny. SO I thought..... I thought that maybe if I could get you to laugh at my jokes you would stop paying attention to the Princess and notice me once in awhile." Snaggletooth looked very ashamed (as well he should). "I'm sorry.. I manipulated you. I won't do it again."
The crowd was quiet, they didn't know how to handle this discovery. But the Princess, in her graceful and forgiving manner walked over to her dejected Uncle and put her arm around him.
"It's okay Snag," she said, "I know you just want to be liked." She patted him on the shoulder, then a bright look came over her face. "I know, Uncle! There is that Jester College just in the next town. If you really want to be liked that badly, we could send you over there to learn some GOOD jokes."
Snaggletooth looked at her in amazement. "Do you mean it? Really! Oh, that would be
wonderful. Oh, wait.... who will watch over the kingdom in my stead?"
The Princess paused, her brilliant brain working a mile a minute. "Well, I would be willing to. I mean, I don't know what I want to do at college anyway. And it won't be too long. It'll be nice to have a break from my studies."
Snaggletooth gasped. "You would do that for me? Oh, you are so kind! Now I DO understand why they call you the Princess of Light and Truth! Oh thank you Princess!"
And so, the problem was resolved. Snaggletooth went to the Jester College to learn some GOOD jokes and the Princess resumed her rule of the kingdom. All was happy and sunshiny in the land, and the people were glad to have the Princess as their ruler (she really was better at it than Old Snaggletooth).
(so there, just try to top that one, Snag)
He checked himself in the looking glass to make sure he was presentable for his first day of classes at Jester College (Home of the Jokers). "Red, Blue, Black and Green, yeah ok, got all my pens," he said as he arranged them in his plastic pocket protector. Straightening his polka-dotted bow tie, he gave the propeller on his beanie a jaunty tweak as he left his dorm room. His roommate, who had introduced himself only as "Barfy," was still asleep after having overdone it at the Freshman Mixer the night before.
"He'll never make it," said U.S. to himself as he strode confidently to his first class. The title intrigued him - The Political Correctness of Humor - it seemed a little stiff but probably the fantastic staff here at J.C. will make it fun and interesting. Entering the classroom, he couldn't help but notice that he was the only one with a beanie, not to mention a bow tie.
"Huh, must all be upper classmen," he thought to himself, trying to ignore the stares and titters from the rest of the room. The professor entered the classroom and started to call the role. He glanced at each student as he did so in an attempt to match the name with the face.
"Snaggletooth, Uncle," he called out.
"Present, your jocularityness," U.S. answered proudly. The professor glanced at him and then down at his attendance sheet, then up again.
"What," he asked, "Exactly ARE you?"
"I am a freshman here sir," he responded, "I've come to study humor and to learn how to be funny."
"Why are you dressed like that? Do you have us confused with clown school?" the professor asked in what U.S. considered a rather nasty tone.
"Well no," said the kindly Uncle, "I just wanted to make a good impression my first day and to show how much I was interested in the subject."
"Humor is serious business and we do not tolerate clowning around. Wear something sensible tomorrow and quite twirling you beanie propellor," said the professor sternly.
"Yes sir," answered Uncle Snaggletooth while thinking to himself, "I wonder why Princess L&T told me I should wear this? She even picked out my outfit herself and told me to be sure and wear it so I would make a good impression on everyone. Huh, maybe I shouldn't wear the big floppy shoes she got me to class tomorrow either."
After he finished calling the role, the professor began to lecture. Contrary to Uncle's hopes, the lecture turned out to be pretty dry and not very interesting. Mostly it had to do with nobody any more should tell jokes about racial groups, women or sexual or religious beliefs. Turned out the only group that was safe to make fun of was white males over the age of fifty as it was the only one that hadn't organized itself into a political action group and therefore were fair game. There was a group discussion on jokes beginning with, "How many white guys over the age of fifty does it take to . . ." Uncle didn't find it particularly funny but it was considered safe so he practiced along with the rest. He even came up with his own.
"How many white guys over the age of fifty does it take to wash a car?," he asked the group who agreed they didn't know or much care.
"Five," said Uncle, "Four to wash the car and one to call 911 when one of them has a heart attack."
"What is funny about that?" asked one student.
"Oh," said Uncle, "It's supposed to be safe AND funny?"
The class broke up soon afterward and Uncle went on to his next one.
"The History of Humor" seemed like a sure bet for an exciting class and Uncle was really psyched as he entered this classroom only to discover that he and a rather strange looking old man were the only ones there.
"You actually signed up for my class?" the stranger asked in amazement.
"Well yeah," Uncle responded, "Actually my niece Princess Light and Truth picked out all my classes for me."
"Oh HER!" the man said, "I've heard about HER!"
"Really?" said Uncle, "What did you hear?" "Well, did you know she had to leave that Liberal Arts college she tried to go to?" asked the old man. He told Uncle that due to her haughty and impertinent behavior, she was asked to leave before she contaminated the other students with her attitude.
"Huh! She told everyone she just couldn't decide what to take and wanted to 'chill' for awhile."
"Don't you believe it for a minute - even though she excelled at chemistry and the Black Arts, she was ASKED to leave and I hear she was at a loss as to what to do because the only job she knew about was already taken by a nice old man that everyone loved."
"Huh. Chemistry, huh? Black Arts, eh?" said Uncle, thinking to himself. "Hey Prof," said Uncle, "Mind if I tell you a joke?"
"Not at all," said the professor, "As long as it isn't one of those 'How many white guys over the age of fifty does it take to' jokes. I'm so sick of them I think I'd upchuck if I heard another one."
"No. Nothing like that - ok - did you hear about the Indian chief who drank too much Lipton's and drowned in his own Teepee?" asked Uncle.
"What! He drowned, gasp, in his own, ha ha ha, Tee Pee?, " wheezed the old professor. "Ohhhhh ha ha ha ha ah" gasped the old man, "THAT is the funniest story I've ever heard!"
"Really?" grinned the kindly Uncle, "did you hear they're thinking about banning those round hay bales because the animals aren't getting a square meal?"
"Ohhhh Noooooo, Stop! Please Stop," said the professor as he gasped for air, "You sir are the funniest, most original wit I have every seen in my 73 years here at Jester College. Oh you must, you simply MUST take over as our Dean and head up our Curriculum Committee so you can spread your wit and wisdom to the furthest reaches of the realm."
"OK" said Uncle.
And that is how Uncle Snaggletooth found even more fame and fortune due to the high magnitude of his hilarity. Sadly, as his fame spread thoughout the land, there wasn't much to laugh about back in "Dullsville" which was what the Capitol City had been re-named. Princess Light and Truth, in her self-serving and humorless way, had turned it into a no-fun place to be and all the townspeople regretted being duped into thinking it was a good idea to send their beloved King Snaggletooth away.
"Oh when will he return to us?" they all asked themselves. "What can we ever do to make ourselves worthy enough to have him rule us again," was the general cry.
Well, I did promise a stirring conclusion to your rather second rate story. Here goes..
Uncle Snaggletooth was a very good dean of Jester College. All of the programs, including "101 ways to insult your niece" were doing very well and the enrollment was soaring. Jester College was receiving more recognition than in its previous years of running. Things were going great, but Snaggletooth, as always, was not content. You see, Snaggletooth was so removed from the process of joke-telling that it had lost its magic. No longer did Ol' Snag see the people laugh with glee at his jokes. He was stuck in his office instead.
"This is no fun," he thought to himself. "I just can't stand it anymore." And so, left with no alternative, Uncle Snaggletooth was forced to give up his impressive position due to boredom.
Since Snag did miss the joke telling process SO much, he decided that he would sell his services as a professional joker. He decided on the stage name "Pester the Jester" (suggested by none other than the illustrious Princess) and began touring immediately. Unfortunately, Ol' Snag had only three jokes that he told. Though they were slightly amusing, it was not enough to fill the 7 minute time slot that was usually provided to jesters. Remembering his old training on the first day of college, Snag recalled that white guys over fifty were prime targets for hilarity. He set to writing his "Old White Guys" routine right away, and was pleased to see that there was quite a large opportunity for humor. The process went smoothly, and soon, Snaggletooth was ready to perform his hilarious material.
His first gig was at The Elks Club. Princess Light and Truth was there to support him, as always, and Ol' Snag was rarin' to go. He got up on the stage and looked into the audience. The faces of old, white men greeted him.
"Uh oh," thought Snag, "what if they find these jokes offensive? No, I'm sure they won't. After all, everyone should have the ability to laugh at themselves." But, nonetheless, Snaggletooth was a little worried.
The spotlight shone on his head, glinting off the plastic beanie propellor (which he still wore because he thought it looked impressive). All was quiet in the room. Snag gulped.
"How many white guys over fifty does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" He croaked. The audience gave no response.
"Two. One to hold the lightbulb and one to raise taxes until the room begins to spin." Princess Light and Truth, always kindly to her Uncle, laughed at the joke. She was the only one.
Snaggletooth looked out into the audience and noted the somber faces. "Well, I better try again," he thought. "Why do white guys over fifty always blow their noses?"
"Because they're trying to remember what elephants sounded like before they killed them all off."
The audience shifted uncomfortably in their seats. The only sound was the Princess' musical laughter as it lilted across the room. Snag tried again.
"Where does all that ear hair that old white guys have come from? Their heads." He coughed. "Why do white guys over fifty-"
"Hey!" yelled an old white guy over fifty. "These aren't funny!"
Snaggletooth gulped. "Sir," he stammered, " I just want you to be able to laugh at yourself!"
"HA!" muttered the old man. "I ain't never done that and I don't plan to! I'm gonna organize a political protest right away. You, sir, are offending me! Better yet, I'm gonna stop you from telling anymore of those jokes!"
Other white men over fifty yelled in support. The slowly raised to their feet and began
advancing threateningly at the stage. Fortunately, they didn't move very fast.
"Princess Light and Truth! Where are you? Come help me!" yelled Snag as he tried desperately to fend off his arthritic foes. The wonderful, gracious, gentle and noble Princess heard her Uncle's cry and ran to his aid.
"Come on Uncle Snaggletooth, let's get out of here!" The Princess and her Uncle ran towards the door, leaving only confused elderly white men in their wake.
And that was Pester the Jester's career as a stand-up comic. Unfortunately, all the textbooks at Jester College had to be updated because now there was the "White Guys over Fifty" alliance and they could not be made fun of. Uncle Snaggletooth lived at the Princess' castle because he was not able to get his job back.
Once in awhile, the family would humor him and let him tell a few jokes, but they tried to keep it to a minimum. In gratitude of the Princess' heroic deed, Uncle Snaggletooth proposed she be renamed "The Beautiful Princess of Light and Truth." And she was, because she deserved it. But, always humble, the Princess chose to go by BLT.
As usual with the Princess' various schemes and nefarious plots, her last one completely backfired and as soon as kindly Uncle Snaggletooth took up residence in the castle, she realized what a mistake she had made.
Everyone loved him so - even the little birds began to sing in the garden again when he passed their way. Before he returned, they were silent and in fact would lie in wait just to spread a little whitewash on the Princess whenever they could. Consequently the Princess didn't go in the garden much and in fact had turned it into a place for her many vicious cats to play.
As Uncle strolled through the carnage and feathers, the few remaining birds began to sign their lilting song which, translated into English, went something like, "Oh wise one, you have returned to us and we are happy. There aren't many of us left but if you could just get the Princess out here, we'd do a job on her, boy."
"Now, now my little friends - even though she treats us badly and sics the cats on you and humiliates me in public whenever she has the chance, we cannot sink to her level," said the kindly old man.
"Oh you must be the kindest man in the world," the birds chirped, "And to reward you, we will let you know where the famous peach tree is that the old fables mentioned."
"OH MY GOD," Uncle exclaimed, "You mean one still exists? Why peaches have not been seen around here in hundreds of years and we thought the last of the peach trees was gone forever."
"Well, we hid it pretty good," chirped the small feathered ones, "You will be the first to see and taste a peach in all this time."
"What an honor," said the wonderful old man, "I don't deserve it."
"Sure you do, sure you do," they all chirped, "but it will take us some time to get it uncovered so why don't you go have some lunch and then you can come back and have a tasty peach for dessert."
"Okey dokey," said Uncle as he headed for the palace's cafeteria. "I hope I don't run into the Princess though. Since she renamed herself AGAIN she insists that everyone call her BLT for Beautiful Princess of Light and Truth. What a crock of - why hello Milo," said Uncle greeting the neer-do-well brother of the famous Dr. Mayo.
Milo was a sad case - he just never quite got with the social program and was always getting into scrapes and even sometimes got involved in petty thefts. Today he just seemed to be lurking around the cafeteria. Uncle selected his food and politely paid for it and was just sitting down at the table when an uproar occurred. Two things happened at the same time - the Princess was entering the cafeteria and Milo Mayo grabbed a large cheese pizza and, without paying for it, was running toward the door as the Princess was coming in.
"BLT, hold the Mayo!" Uncle ordered but of course, the Princess' reactions were not quite up to that of Uncle's and the thief escaped.
"Hmmph," said the Princess in her usual haughty manner, "that man just about knocked me over."
"He was stealing," said Uncle, "You could have prevented him from stealing that pizza."
"Well, just as well he took it," said BLT, "I have just appointed myself Captain and Supreme Ruler of the Food Police and that was one of the foods we were going to ban from the cafeteria anyway."
"No Pizza!" the word spread throughout the cafeteria as the peasants began to mumble, "She's going to take away our pizza? What's next?, no more ham and mashed potatoes and green bean casserole and broccoli and all the tasty treats we love. Must she suck ALL the fun out of meager little lives?"
"Well, what WILL be available then?" Uncle asked, even his majestic patience giving way in the face of such rude behavior.
"Well, I was thinking maybe fruits and salad for us and some bark for the peasants" she said to the amazement of all.
"Oh my," said Uncle "I think perhaps you need to lighten up a bit. Speaking of fruit though, I think I may have a lead on some peaches."
"Peaches? No Way!," exclaimed the cafeteria crowd, having not tasted or seen a peach or a peach tree in lo, these many years.
"Yes Way," replied Uncle, "If you will come with me I will show you and I will share with you for that is my way." Even the always grumpy but curious Princess could not help but follow Uncle out to the garden.
"Little birds, little birds, do not be afraid. I have just brought some friends with me to see the peach tree."
"OK," said the birds, "We guess you know what you're doing but you must be about the most generous man in the world because you could have made a MINT off this."
They led him back to a corner of the garden where nobody had gone for a long time and there it was - a beautiful tree loaded with delicious peaches just at the peak of ripeness.
"My friends, partake of these peaches and may the sweetness of them bring you joy and long life," said the kindly Uncle.
"Oh you are sooooo good," they all cried and as one voice the whole garden was filled with strong peasant voices shouting, "We LOVE you, Prince of Peaches! Prince of Peaches, we LOVE you!"